Friday, April 2, 2010

embracing knowledge

I've always valued knowledge. I love to learn. I seek truth.

I grew up in a typical dysfunctional family. A lot of yelling, hiding of emotions, minimal affection, and drama. I am the oldest of 5 kids. Although we had family struggles we still went to church on Sundays and on the outside were a "Christian Family". I happened to be the good girl, the rule follower, the people pleaser. Basically I had no self confidence and hoped if I was good enough I would be loved and accepted. I adored Christianity - I swear it saved my life, but not in the way it claims. I thought Jesus was my best friend... for about 17 years. There are always ups and downs in life. Everyone has something bad they have to get through - and I got through them, with the help of God - or so I thought. Then the year 2008 came along and within that year 3 people close to me died. All at different time for different reasons, but none of those reasons satisfied by hurting heart. And the God that I had dedicated every ounce of my being to, who had "been there" for me in the past - seemed to let me down. I can quote scripture, whole books at time. I witnessed to my friends, family, students, team members, people I didn't know. I went to church because I enjoyed it. I went to bible studies because I enjoyed them. I read my bible all the time, because I wanted to know God and his plan for me. I based every decision I made on God. I couldn't answer a single question without considering the principles from the Bible that were ingrained in my mind. I was a true Christian, I had faith, I believed, I had accepted, I had repented, I had been reborn, I had lost my life to Christ to gain an eternity in heaven. But questions that I had been able to push aside before continued to present themselves. I sought answers in my bible, in my bible study books, in articles from online Christian sites, from Christians - and ultimately from God. Hmmm... what a pickle... my foundations were shaken and I couldn't steady them... I needed answers. I found knowledge. Knowledge outside of Christianity. The feared knowledge of a different perspective... the devils work... reasonable conclusions and history. Christianity fell apart, just collapsed. I never wanted that to happen. I enjoyed being a Christian - I still sometimes wish I could go back to my ignorance, but once you know what I know - all you can do is embrace it. So here I am now, embracing knowledge.